In My Mind

Love Stories

Fact. Harlequin sells 4 books a second.

That’s 240 romance novels, a minute.

Question. Who’s buying?

Ladies, please. Don’t act all feminist and cringe. The time has come to admit the fact that you’ve not only read a romance novel, but you also, secretly, love them. And for a variety of reasons. There are a few who loved the romance, few others the passion but most of us just love it for the extreme entertainment value.

Allow me to elucidate.

A typical romance novel is written in a tone which would expect me to empathize with the
heroine/protagonist, so that the more I read the book, the more I connect with the character and her trials, and well, feel for her. Incidentally, the typical romance-novel heroine is almost always a 5’9″ blonde with never ending legs, big brown eyes, curves to die for and a highly successful career, but oh my god, she has elbows. I have elbows too! Wow, I really feel like I KNOW this woman, almost as if we’re in a parallel universe. Freaky.

But there is no Love in her life. No Passion. No Romance. No mad monkey sex, even. And just when you think you can actually empathize with her, a sudden twist of fate makes her meet Mr.Man. The books get particularly hilarious at this point with their descriptions of Mr.Man. Here’s an example (Slow Hands – Lisa Kelley) :

She had not imagined anything like those shoulders, which were about the width of a small bus, or the bulked-up chest straining against the fabric of his tux. Nor the thick dark hair, cut short enough to tempt a woman to do some finger tangling while not drawing one bit of attention away from the slashing brows, the prominent cheekbones, the stubborn chin.

I hadn’t imagined anything like that either. But don’t fall off your chair just yet. It gets better.

The chest was, as she already knew, huge and strong. The throat tanned,the neck corded with muscle. His strong jaw jutted in classic male determination. His face was freshly shaved, she’d imagined, for tonight’s event, but already displayed a hint of swarthiness that would provide the tiniest frisson of roughness if their cheeks met.

So you really can’t blame our heroine for falling for him now, can you? The strong male jaw. The bus sized shoulders. BUS SIZED.

And this is just one example. There are a hundred different variants, all unique descriptions of raw male beauty, including phrases like “His crisp white shirt perfectly accentuated his rippling muscles”, “His shorts did less to cover the muscular shafts of his thighs” and “When he ate, food got stuck in his hairy mustache”. Ok, maybe not the last one, but you get my drift. Chuck Norrises, all.

Now is the time we must empathize most with our heroine. What would you do when you met a Man with a strong male jaw and bus sized shoulders? Would you –

a. Sleep with him, or
b. Have monkey sex

Such are the complex choices life throws at you. Sigh. And so, they do it, have heated passionate encounters which are described in great detail. I’d post an example, but please. This is family blog.

The books are just high entertainment from this point, and so completely crackpot, that they’re unputdownable. It makes you accompany the heroine right from her shuddering spasms to the ache in her loins and even the pain in her empty heart which was caused by Mr.Man who wouldn’t make her coffee in the morning because his parents died in a car crash or some sloppy excuse like that (the bastard!) and then finally the merriment and utter happiness that she experiences when she gets back with him.

There are no intellectual values to these books, let’s be honest here. No moral debates or male-female prejudices. It’s trash, and so completely fun, entertaining and ridiculous that we can’t help but read more. But most importantly, inside every one of these trashy, harebrained novels there is something that every woman wants – A happy ending.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

5 Greatest English Dialogues in Tamil Cinema

[In no specific order]
I’m a bad man : Possibly one of the most overlooked, but also one of the most reeking-of-awesomeness dialogues in Tamil Movie history was Kannada Prabhakar’s “I’m a baaad man” in the epic Rajnikant movie Annamalai. There can be only one reason for the neglect of a dialogue that is so high in degree of badassness and that, is Thalaivar. The dialogue features in the climax scene of the most kvlt Rajnikant movie in Rajnikant movie history. No, really – Apart from making a fortune of billions (from being a broke milkman) within the span of 4 minutes by singing inspirational hard work song in a black background, Thalaivar gets the news that his ex-best-friend (Sarath jilpathalai Babu, as if you didn’t know that already!) is being beaten up by baddies. The moment he hears the news, he moves his feet from the sofa, picks up his sun glasses and gets up to save his ex-friend. THAT, is what people who see the movie remember, more than the dialogue. Do you see the way he moves his foot? The way he puts on those glasses? The way he stands up? Do you see it? See it again. You’ll understand why he is who he is. Thalaivar. He’s a baaad man.

Kannada Prabhakar’s elation is evident upon getting mentioned in chutneycase, and finally getting the publicity he deserves.

Eieieidowhatisay

The man is a legend (cue for gaptun, gaptun chants). He has been a one man army, killer of terrorists using mere eye contact, the hidden gem of the Indian army, pigeon trainer and a pink blazer with leopard print shirt wearing fashion icon all IN THE SAME MOVIE. This particular dialogue stands for everything that is Gaptun – power, command and most importantly STYLE. See the way he enters into the scene with aplomb, and captures your attention with his rendition of the line “Yeny odhar inbarmayson pass it to me” and displays his mad geographical knowledge of India by citing regions like Banchkula. Did you even know there was a Banchkula before Gaptun said so? Touch your heart. If you were aware, then you either wrote the dialogues in the movie or you’re a cold hearted liar. Notice the authority in his voice when he says “Mister Asog” and the extreme strategic skyllz when he asks his subordinate to “block all yentry points espesally from Delhi locayson”. But the piece de resistance (and I’m sure Mr.Asog will agree, aam sir) has to be Gaptun’s execution of “Eieieidowhatisay”. The greatness of this dialogue is naturally the tone – casual, but commanding. Friendly, but professional. Don’t be surprised if Eieieidowhatisay is included in Harvard’s MBA syllabus soon.

 

3. What a Man.

Rajni takes his shirt off. ‘Nuff said.

4. Catch my point?

What’s a list on English dialogues in Tamil movies without Kamal Haasan? His expertise in the language has still not been matched by any actor in the industry. He’s had his fair share of english dialogues, but the most famous and perhaps most quoted dialogue would be “catch my point?” from his greatest comedy film of all time, Michael Madana Kama Rajan. The dialogue, like the movie is a classic and somehow, never gets old. You…catch my point?

5. Start Meesic

Goundamani is one man who always had the best lines. Somehow, his newer roles these days don’t have the bite that classic Goundamani did, and Suriyan is as classic Gounder as classic Gounder can get. His “comedy track” had no relevance to the actual story, thus complying with Tamil Cinema rules, and not surprisingly, became the sole reason for the film’s success. 90% of the people who saw Suriyan won’t remember the hero or the heroine or the plot. They will only remember Gounder. I doubt any other movie had as many phrases quoted from it (including “Who is that disturbance” “Arasiyalla idhelaam sagajam appa!” and “Sathyasodhanai“) like this one did, thus making it the starting point of the Tamil pop culture movement and Gounder its founding father. Wokay-nga publics, enough talking. Press play button, start meesic!

Honourable Mentions:
1. Sing in the rain – Vadivelu
2. Sorry for the interruption, this is only my introduction – TR
3. Do you underwear? – Thalaivar(Note the usage of the word “jalsa” as well)

Halloween latest addition in Panjangam

In a rather expected turn of events today, famed astrologer Sri Sri VellayurPanayur Narayanan Swami announced that Halloween had been officially included in the Panjagam*. Upon further enquiry as to the addition, he retorted “Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me? Do you have any idea how many Halloween parties I’ve been invited to this year? It’s the event of the year, man! I mean the only thing that comes as close is the 4th of July fireworks show.”

When asked if there was any opposition, Sri Sri confided that the only issue was that Iyengars wanted to celebrate Halloween on a different day than the others. “Like thats surprising! But once I get the final confirmation, I can get on with the most crucial step – editing the wiki page for panjagam. Oh how long I’ve been dreaming of this moment.” he finished tearfully.

Public reactions to this addition have also been positive. “Finally!” remarked Sachchu Maami, noted DD Podhigai “Samayal Samayal” chef. “That Ambujam went to America to see her daughter for one month and all she could talk about was Halloween! About time we get to celebrate it as well!” she said as she was picking up her Wonder Woman costume.

“Just another publicity stunt this is. What reaction do they expect from us?” opined SP Raju, President of Nageshwar Rao Park Pensioners Club. “But if they’re going to put special programmes all day on Siripoli, I don’t mind, hehe” He added quickly, and went on to discuss about Ramya Krishnan’s moving performance in the previous day’s episode of Thangam with the other members.

Upon other Halloween related news in Chennai, T.Rajendar was given “Best costume award” at a Halloween party when in reality he had been protesting against the event. “Pogo channel shows Mr.Bean, Unakku edhukku da Halloween?” he shouted, raising an alarmingly logical question as he proceeded to accuse that Halloween was “suppressing oppressing and depressing the people of Chennai”. However, he calmed down considerably after being given his prize. “Sorry for the interruption, that was only my introduction. This may be prize, but it is not a surprise.” he grinned, dazzling everyone with mad rhyme skyllz. “Back when I was making my blockbusters, apart from being the director, actor, producer, scriptwriter, story writer, dialogue writer, music director, choreographer,tea boy, I was the one who also designed the costumes”. He declared, and left much before anybody could ask him how exactly he had put together his very realistic Gorilla costume.

Also seen making a hasty exit was Actor Vijay who had in fact won second prize for his mechanic costume. Sources say that when his name was announced, he went “But I’m not wearin’ a fuckin’ costume!” before randomly screaming “Ei!” at a press-photographer.

*Panjagam – Traditional Hindu Calendar

In conversation with Lalit Modi

A statistical analysis of Lalit Modi’s recent 5 minute impromptu interview with the former beefcake of Indian Cricket, Ravi Shastri.

No of times Lalit Modi said the word TRP in a sentence – 15

No of times Lalit Modi said the word “Merchandise” in a sentence – 13

No of times Lalit Modi said the word “Sponsors” in a sentence – 19

No of times Lalit Modi said “Soldout Tickets” in a sentence : 23

No of times Ravi Shastri said “cheerleaders” in a sentence – 21

And you thought the IPL was about the cricket.

Cliqued

Surely you’ve been tagged in one of those group pictures on facebook now? You know that picture, the one with a bunch of cartoon faces with titles like “little miss psycho” and the lot. Well, not little miss psycho maybe, but you get my drift.

Its actually pretty interesting, the tagging. But somehow, it doesn’t represent the clique/stereotype sets from where I come from.I never went to school with gangstas, pimps and ladies men.

I went to school, with these guys.

Bet you did, too.

The Twilight Zone

 I have been made to re-assess a few things over the past week, ever since my father asked me if I had a “plan”. 
I didn’t. I still don’t. My father just tsk-tsks and gets back to his laptop. Honestly, I don’t believe in plans. I don’t believe in marking a specified route and then taking it. 
I know it sounds extremely stupid, coming from someone who took up Finance as a career, it’d probably sound more convincing had I been some kind of a pothead drummer in a punk rock band. 
But that’s what people don’t get. I didn’t get into finance because I had a plan. The whole Oh-my-dad’s-CA-let-me-become-CA-my-life-will-be-settled plan. 
I took it up after flipping a coin.  
Contrary to popular notion, I’m not nuts, I just like a little adrenaline. However, its not flowing at all these days, which is a little unfortunate. 
So yesterday, instead of charting a study plan, I wrote a little list. A list of 25 diet crazy (read cheap little thrills) things I intend to make happen before I’m 25. After which I will devise a new list. Some of the items are extremely Anti Ram-Sena but whatever.  As I tick each item off the list, I know I what I would have done was super dumb, and some other times are not very ethical/moral and even some other times not very me.     
But I won’t have regret. 
All my life, I’ve been known to be the good responsible girl, a little too smart and a little too varalakshmi-nombu programmed/thayir saadham to make the dumb mistakes of life. Very true. I’ve always been responsible, I’ve always been smart. Which is why I am not revealing the contents of my little list. But I’ll tell you one thing. The next time you see me with a smug little grin on my face, you’ll know I’m one item lesser.  
I’m going to be taking a break. Don’t pop the champagne bottle just yet, I will be back in 3 months. I’m not going to be posting since there is something more important in my list of priorities, namely the Professional Competence Exam. And trust me, one cannot prove any kind of competence if they’re going to be following my routine of eat-internet-sleep. Hence I will be on something like a self imposed exile. But when I clear, and become 60% chartered accountant, it’s so going to be worth it. Don’t miss me too much. Tough thing to ask, but please, try. 🙂 
UPDATE : Apparently even ICAI didn’t want me to stop blogging and have postponed the exam to June! No break takings now. I am back. (Cue for Billa/Don music)

God Shows Terrorists The Finger

In a rather shocking turn of events, it seems that the God himself has issued a rather strong message of condemnation with reference to the current order of things in the World.
The message left by Him was initially labeled as a “Mystery Mark” in the sky, but once a team of leading cryptologists around the world set to crack it, it was finally deciphered to being the international symbol of condemnation, commonly known as “The Finger”

“They be poppin’ homies trippin’ the big guy’s name, man! He ain’t pleased wi tha Jeehad shit, fo shizzle. And those guys, they gonna get served, ya get what I’m sayin’ man? Ma Brotha be havin some crazy skyllz”* said His spokesman, Gar00Dogg, upon further interrogation as to the exact reason behind this strong “Con-dayumm-nation”. He did not reveal anything more about God’s plans, but did reassure everything would become “fine….like Yo Mamma!” before launching into very loud and inappropriate laughter.

“I think like, what he’s like trying to like, say, is that he’s like pissed” said one leading cryptologist, following “The Finger” conclusion which was reached after much research and references with the latest technology in Cryptic Sciences, including the Harry Potter series.

Strangely enough, there have also been some bizarre sightings of an Old Indian man running about the streets screaming “Kalki is coming, Kalki is coming!” Eyewitnesses are especially perplexed. “I have been getting Kalki every week for the past two decades. I don’t find a reason to scream on the streets” said one resident, who wishes to remain anonymous.

With terrorism spreading everywhere in the world, this message comes as what could be a sign of things to come, say some other experts. “Dude, this is God showing the finger to those terrorist bastards, man. It’s a sign of like hope and maybe some more weird-ass things that could happen. Maybe it’s that Judgment Day thing that people keep talking about in Sunday School. I hope that’s covered in my Insurance, man.” said David Kinsley, President of The-International-Organization-Which-Holds-Emergency-Meetings-Whenever-There’s-A-Finger-In-The-Sky, after their emergency meeting in Geneva, whose attendance included Angelina Jolie-Pitt and her 25 children.

God, however, was unavailable for comment. Sources say that he was venting his anger on an Indian City by the name of Chennai, by diverting a cyclone in its direction and forcing its stranded residents to watch CNN-IBN, or worse, Times Now.

* – “It is unfortunate that these terrorists kill innocent lives in the name of God. Jihad is wrong, and pretty soon, God is going to be taking some serious action”

** – This picture, a fine example of excellence in photojournalism was taken by our special corespondent Ms.Chutney. Really.

Monkey say, monkey do.

We are dignified people, we shall take victories and losses in equal grace but call me a monkey and give me dreadlocks it sure feels good to go IN YOUR FACE, SUCKERS!. Amen.

I pity Harbhajan Singh, the poor guy is facing so much flak because he said ‘monkey’. Mind, if saying ‘monkey’ were a crime, my parents would have been jailed for multiple offenses a very long time back.
[Especially my dad. He has really creative ways of saying it, i.e ‘joker monkey’, ‘monkey brain’, ‘mad monkey’ and sometimes even combinations – ‘mad joker monkey’ etc. My mother prefers ‘koranngu’].
The point being, ol’ bhajji could have said a million other things but he went for monkey. I believe, strongly that monkey is not a racist term in any aspect. More so because –
1.Monkeys do not refer to colour/race in any way.
2.Hell, we were all monkeys once.
3.It could have been a compliment, monkeys are revered in India.

What the Indian team really needs is a sledging ‘Mental Disintegration’ coach (I do believe Australia is in possession of one). Someone experienced, someone who can swear in multiple languages and someone who can throw words without being even mildly apologetic about it. Someone like my mom when she’s driving in T.Nagar.

Oh yes.

—————-
Now playing: Rascal Flatts – Help Me Remember
via FoxyTunes

Innocence, Interrupted.

The CBSE is all set to introduce “Adolescent Education Programme” for school kids from 6th standard upwards.
This is to include stuff like Sex Ed, Protection, STDs and other stuff that made us giggle/snicker during tenth standard biology class.
Sure, in light of the current lifestyles, “lets-do-it-NOW” attitude towards sex you’d think learning the right way to put on a condom is necessary.
It is, no arguments here, a little bit of knowledge does go a long way.
The thing is, how adept are our teachers in conveying it across to the students?
The rotten truth is that our teachers are NOT our friends, not now, not ever.
We don’t like approaching them for doubts concerning adolescent issues, we are uncomfortable with them, and we hate the way they stare at us when we say the word “sex”.
I CANNOT imagine any of my teachers who taught me in school trying to teach me how syphilis is spread or discussing topics like condoms v/s spermicide (which is part of the syllabus).
I remember one particular incident in school as well, when one of my juniors got caught in school for bringing, erm, sexual apparatus to school.
It was a HUGE hullabaloo, the boy’s parents were called and screamed at, he was slapped, we didn’t have class for 7 continuous periods and everyone started calling him “condom boy”. Not pleasant. It brought a couple of issues to light –
a]A tenth grader with a condom. Wow.
b]I could sleep through 4 continuous periods, a new record
c]A tenth grader with a condom. Wow, GROSS.
d]If he had a condom, who did he intend to do it with?
e]A tenth grader with a condom. Wow.
Moving on.
Where the CBSE is making a mistake is bringing it in standard 6. Thats not when hormones surge. Thats when kids still think that a lesbian is actually a person from lesbia.
Loads of schools (esp PSBB-esque schools) are still in two minds over this whole adolescent education module.
Is it really necessary in a country like India?
What about our culture?
What about our famous social values?
Ah, thats where we all make mistakes.
Hormones don’t have nationalities!