Bad Jokes

10 things I learned during my internship

(Not too long ago, I was searching around in my computer for academic material when I stumbled upon this. I had noted this down after a particularly exhausting audit season to remind myself why I was where I was.)

One of the prime conditions in the Chartered Accountancy course is that all students are mandatorily required to undergo what the Institute terms a “rigorous articleship”, to “prepare the student to tackle professional challenges head on.” There’s an important lesson here – DON’T BELIEVE THE PROSPECTUS. But we’ll come to that another day. So here’s what I learned about internships the last three and half years of my particularly, er, rigorous, articleship training.  
10. Making/getting coffee is also part of the job description:
Sure, you’ve topped school, your classmates are industrial scions and you drive the same car as your boss. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make you the boss. Expecting to be given challenging assignments the second day you’ve joined doesn’t really happen, no matter how shiny your academic record is. Getting coffee and learning to operate the photocopy machine will definitely be a significant part of your first few months in the office. On the plus side, your mother can now include “Makes excellent filter coffee” along with that part about you being the perfect blend of traditional and modern values on your tamilmatrimony profile. 
9. Networking and friendships:
It’s important to make friends with the people you work with. Even if you’re not going to be exchanging “Frendz4ever” bracelets every August or sending each other “Oram-nnu peru vechavan Nera podraan aana Nehra-nnu peru vechavan Orama podraan” type SMS forwards every morning, it’s necessary to be cordial. Remember that you’ll be spending 8+ hours at work, 5 days a week, so apart from the fact that life would be that much more painful if you don’t get along with the people you work with, you never know who’s going to end up where. That checked-shirt full naamam Varadu boy the rest of you made fun of might just become the Commissioner of Income Tax. Or worse, your husband. 
8. Dress well, dress appropriate. 
I worked in a typically conservative tamil brahmin office where the youngest partner was about 52 years old and the oldest, 80. So I didn’t really have much of a choice when it came to adhering to the Salwar-Kameez-with-Dupatta dress code. It’s not very likely you’d be under similar constraints, but if you are, I’d recommend you embrace your inner housewife. What? We both know what you want to do after you finish your CA is to become a housewife. Seriously. I know. 
7. There will be times when you feel like jumping out of the nearest window.
It happens to all of us. Hang in there. And no, whatever you do, don’t try to push your boss out of the window. They almost always survive. 
6.Mistakes WILL happen. 
And no, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s the very purpose of your internship. You’re there to make mistakes. Goof ups are an integral part of the time you spend there, and the more the merrier! Ofcourse, there’s something about learning from your mistakes. Or something.
5. Be grateful to your boss.
The man is literally paying to let you screw up on his behalf. 
4. Remember that there are people who’re going to be better than you at work. 
Deal with it. In fact, ask him/her for help with your assignments sometime. Happiness comes from triumphing over your ego. Greater happiness comes from seeing other people do your work. 
3. Never regret the choices you make here
There’s no going back, anyway. You don’t have a degree, do you? 
And even if you do, there’s no going back. HA!
2. You ARE going to get yelled at.
Your brain’s exact whereabouts will be questioned, as will be your general ability to locate and extract hair follicles. Also, part of your job description. 
1. You ARE going to get better at the job. 

Hindi Movie

Overheard at office: 

“Machi, endha padathukkum ticket illa da”
[Dude there are no tickets for any movie]
“Seri ya paathiya? Endha padathukkum illiya?”
[Are you sure?]
“Aamanda hindi padathukku dhaan irukku”
[Yea man, there’s a hindi movie though]
Hindi a? Enda padam?”
[Hindi? What film?]

Dial M for Murugappan – A Shenoy

“Gentlemen, please. We’re not handling an ordinary man here – not only did he blow up 250 civilians and 4 police officers, but the man still has the gall to act like he did the government a favour!”

“Did he squeal yet?”

“Which is our problem. We’ve tried everything. We tasered him yesterday, and well, he started laughing. He seems to be more wary of Salimbhai’s biriyani than he is of us”

“The man is key, officer. You do understand that. He holds privy to information that could bust the entire terrorist network not just in India, but internationally.”

“Yes sir, and hence we tried everything. Perhaps we need something different. Something that’s unconventional. Something that’ll have him co-operate. Something that’s….”

“Murugappan”

Murugappan. He was no ordinary Police Officer. He was a force below the Vindhyas. Now think of a man, who not only handled criminals like one handles mosquitoes, possessed a voice that could silence anyone within a 10 kilometre radius but also bore an uncanny resemblance to Vijaykant.

Are you scared?
So are we.

When the man talked, people would listen. Even when he burped, people would listen. And so National Security, when sent an order from this great man, could do little other than despatch their most wanted prisoner to an interior town in Tamil Nadu.

When the aforementioned accused met Murugappan, he was amused. But our man was not.
“Tell me who you work for, and I’ll make this easy for you.”

A sneer spread on the terrorist’s face.

“Really? You think you can just ask me a question and I’ll give you an answer?”

“I’ll ask you one more time. Tell me who you work for. “

“Is that really the best you can do?”

This time, Murugappan sneered. He switched on the device and turned up the knob. And Murugappan knew, he knew that nothing could have prepared the terrorist for what he was made to go through for the next 180 minutes.

The next day, the terrorist was found dead – he had committed suicide, not before writing down all his confessions, and exposing his entire ring.

National Security was in complete awe.

“How?” they chorused.

Murugappan only smiled.

“You see gentlemen – where there’s a Villu, there’s a way.”

PS: Please excuse the mokkai. It is the result of my renewing membership into the International Council of Shenoy-ers.
For more groans, please to click here, here and here.
Previous groans can be accessed here (at your own risk)
The grand daddy of all groans, Mr.Shenoy

PPS: I really didn’t mean for this to be first post of the New Year but oh well. Have a good year, all 🙂

Balle Balle

Parampreet Singh, or Pappu as the rest of the world knew him, was like any other man. He craved for the same things everyone did – money, playboy bunnies and red Lamborginis. But the one thing Pappu craved for more than anything was to find his true love. In his quest to find the kudi of his dreams, Pappu traveled far and wide and his mission finally took him to Bangkok, Thailand.

Tucked in a tiny corner of the Big city of Bangkok was Madam Ko’s massage parlour. Pappu had initially gone there to compare Madam Ko’s back massage to Monty ‘Bailwan-ji’ Singh’s back home. But instead he saw the girl of his dreams. 

Yes, Lauw feelings ho gaya. 

She was no more than 5.2” with jet black hair and jasmine white skin. The Golden Temple in Pappu’s head had immediately lit up. “Masseuse-ji masseuse-ji, I am in love-ji. With you-ji! Please-ji, come back with me to Punjab-ji.”

How could masseuse-ji not accept such a romantic proposal? Pappu whisked her away to Punjab where the marriage took place amidst much pomp and show. Pappu’s relatives however, where a little disappointed over his firangi-ji bride.

“Arre! What is this Bunty-ji! Marrying off your son-ji to a firangi-ji!” exclaimed one particular aunt to his father.

“Haan-ji, that too to a massage lady-ji!” added another.

Bunty-ji simply looked at her, and then the sky. “Kya karoon, Mona-ji. Rub ne bana de jodi”

It’s a wild world

The fuel crisis today, has pushed many people out of business, but the Gulf continues to prosper. It seems that the Arabs have found an alternative means of finance out of rearing cows. And pretty soon, the Middle East is going to be full of these self proclaimed Milk-Sheikhs.

Speaking of the middle east, the people of the land are completely vexed over the many security issues plaguing them. The locals strongly attribute their trauma to the Bush administration, and more so its inefficient Secretary of State who, they believe, didn’t Rice to the occasion.

Entertainment news now, and apparently a popular Victoria’s Secret Model has admitted herself into the Intensive Care Unit of a prestigious hospital in Mumbai right out of her continuous 20 hour Intercontinental flight. The hospital’s experts have concluded her illness to jetty lag.

In related news, a Calvin Klein underwear model stormed into the premises of the Worldspace radio network today, stating that he wanted to be a Jockey.

On other news, the neighborhood psycho couple have filed for divorce over an unhappy sex life. Sources confirm that their relationship could only have been “absolutely mental”

Source : CNN – Chutney News Network

A Qualifed Opinion

So everyone’s making noise over the whole  Big Bang theory, which is something I can’t quite understand. I thought Bill Clinton proved it years ago. Anyway, I thought I’d do a scientific appraisal of the whole issue and finally conclude to nothing in particular, as it is with all scientific appraisals but unfortunately I don’t believe I’m qualified enough. After all, at one point of time, I was convinced that that croutons were a type of sub-atomic particle.

Joke

Although its a little known fact, it so happened that a bunch of Gujjus were living downstairs to Shakespeare’s home. Whenever Shakespeare practised late into the night and disturbed their sleep, they were obviously not happy. Kokilaben in particular, got extremely annoyed at Ol’ Bill. So she went up to his house and told him straight in the face “Ahem.You is the doing too much naaise. Shutting up please”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Gujjus Ahemmed-the-Bard.

This is original. really.

Please dont hit me.