Month: March 2010

The Chetan Bhagat Plot Generator






Why wait for Chetan Bhagat to release another book?

Our book is going to be on:

The hero and key loser of this story is:

His co-loser and culturally diverse friends, please

The extremely intelligent, beautiful, feminist heroine with whom our hero screws around with (multiple times):

So what do our boys want in life?

Which they intend to achieve by:



And where is all this happening?

Pick any 3 social stereotypes/prejudices that you may want our loser-hero to confront (isn’t this fun?)





Now, about the man himself! What do YOU think of Chetan Bhagat?


The newspaper that will review this awesome book will be:






21

Today is Karadayan Nombu. I will admit that I’m not aware of the history of this particular event in the Hindu calendar. Painful ignorance aside, I can only remember it as one of those days in the year I get to eat two varieties of Kozhukattai, and giggle along with my sister when my mother would ask us to “pray for a good husband”.

I had been out for coffee with a friend earlier in the evening, and had made it home just in time for eating the kozhukattais, er, to the pooja. It was the same routine – Amma did her pooja after which she asked us to “pray” and predictably, my sister and I started giggling.
“You should really take this more seriously” sighed my mother, interrupting my giggle fit.
“Why? And why now, and for a husband, at that. Ma, I’m only 21.”
“When I was 21, I was pregnant with you. “
This year, I prayed.

Reality Shows I’d like to See

Now that Rahul Mahajan has finally been married (and made it as a trending topic on twitter – knocking off Justin Bieber no less), it looks like reality TV will take a break for sometime. But why wait for another cuckoo? Here are my proposals for the next big reality show – 

1. TR-in Thangachi Thaedal [TR’s Search for a Sister]: It’s a fact that Vijaya T Rajendhar (M.A), apart from being a one man film unit, mouth-percussionist and the inspiration behind that hairy alien-thing from Star Wars is also Tamil Cinema’s greatest big brother. His moving analogy where he points out how a woman’s virginity is like a torn cloth that cannot be mended (as opposed to a man’s, which is like a wet cloth that can be dried) to his sister and looks like a constipated gorilla AT THE SAME TIME is stuff of legend. There’s very little that can actually be written about how he goes around protecting his sisters on screen too. You don’t mess with girls whose big brother looks like something that just escaped from the Vandalur Zoo man, you don’t. But the truth is, there is very little that is known about TR’s real sister. Does he even have one? I don’t think he does (even if he does, let’s just assume that he doesn’t), and that is where this show comes in. 

TR-in THANGACHI THAEDAL – where TR scours all of Tamil Nadu to find the one girl who is worthy of his big-brotherness. Parameters include age (The Man doesn’t drink from the fountain of youth, he IS the fountain of youth. He’s a hero in Tamil Cinema! You don’t expect old ladies to be his sister now, do you? Girls no older than 25 can apply), moral competence, rhyme skyllz and knowledge of tamil culture. TR shall evaluate the contestants himself and pick one very lucky girl who gets to be his real life sister and can be the blessed recipient of his endless paasam. 
Probable Sequel : Thangachi Tharkolai – Nadandhadhu Enna?
[Sister Suicide – What really happened?]

-> What A Man. 











2. Dr.Joseph Vijay-in Director Deal: As Dr.Joseph Vijay inches closer to the world record for longest string of flop movies, it is up to his fans to dig deep among themselves and find someone competent enough to direct him and make full use of his versatility. The winner, who will be selected through a rigorous process that involves finding not one but TWO differences between the roles that he’s played in the past ten movies will get the opportunity of a lifetime to direct Dr.Joseph Vijay in a role most suitable for his polished and elegant demeanor namely mechanic, courier boy, bike mechanic or vegetable vendor, thus enabling him to finally achieve the world record for longest string of worsttu movies. Since it’s for such a noble cause I’m sure we can expect plenty of participants. A fake press conference YouTube video is also part of the deal. 

3. Gaptun Vijaykanth-in Arasiyal Aarpattam (Gaptun Vijaykanth’s Political Ploys): 
The Indian Army couldn’t handle a man of his calibre, which is why he’s a full time politician now. While we understand that he’s a one man army, somehow the whole idea of local MLAs tagging behind an enigma is just not fair. Which is why Gaptun himself needs to get out there and recruit men who will be able to complement his stature. Contestants who want to be part of the man’s entourage will have to pass through rigorous training and exercises in bullet dodging, mustache flexing, shock absorption, pigeon language learning, a complete study of Bakistan’s topography, Media Player skills, and most importantly, English lessons. His criticism in the show will be brutal ofcourse – if the participants don’t eieieidowhathesays, rest assured that he will send them out with a flick of his collar (when you’re Gaptun, there really is no other way). 







-> The Gaptun shows us how it’s done. 













4. Namitha’s Size Zero Mission: I don’t know about entertainment value but I’m sure as hell that this show will give megaserials a run for their money by becoming the longest running show on television. [Note: Clicking on the link will give you google’s image search results for said actress. If you know who she is, you wouldn’t click on that. If you don’t know who she is, go ahead, click, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.] 

5. The Amit-zing Race: I love the Amazing Race series. For the uninitiated, the show involves 12 pairs of people from different backgrounds who are made to travel around the world with a camera behind them to perform unconventional tasks. The pair that completes all of them first, wins the grand prize of $1 million. I say, put 12 pairs of Amits (Surely you know who an Amit is by now. They’re the guys who are convinced that Chennai SUXX YAAR!) in our beloved city and put them through a set of unique tasks like catching an auto from T.Nagar to go to Besant Nagar with a budget of 50 Rs, buying SeppanKazhangu from Koyambedu Market, get away from a Chennai Traffic Cop WITHOUT paying anything, watch a TR movie without running away from the theatre and so on. The Pair that finally completes all these tasks will win….something. Ha. Let them complete first. Then we’ll think about the prize. 

Boredom

I’m typing this very furiously to look busy. Why, you may ask. For starters, I’m kinda done with my present assignment and hence jobless, but there’s a very very hot guy sitting across my cubicle and I need to atleast act like I’m busy (impression, ma). I’ve been assigned to a new audit, and it’s been quite a lot of work lately [which is evident in my lack of updates on this space. Come to think of it, its more of writers block than anything else {there I admitted it!(look, BODMAS!)}]. More than the actual work, it’s the commute that’s highly painful. The office is in Pallavaram, which happens to be a whole different planet from the city and so I don’t have any other option at hand than taking the train. My father calls it divine intervention – he’s convinced that it’s about time I be taught how to not be a brat and be thankful for all I have. Personally, I think it’s a divine practical joke.
At the start of it, I thought catching a train would be fun, that I’d meet interesting people and have interesting conversation and maybe even spot (or be spotted by) a Madhavan. DON’T LAUGH – I clearly haven’t been on local trains much. The most interesting person I met on a train was this beggar lady who had a mike (no shit!) and sang her own compositions from Meenambakkam to St.Thomas Mount (her song included the very moving lyric – rendu pillainga saar/ennakku rendu pillainga saar*), the most interesting conversation I had was with the “samsa” guy at Tirusulam (He asked me if I wanted samsa and I said no) and surprise surprise, cute madhavan type dudes don’t take the train! Sigh.
Oh and there was also the one time I sat next to this uh, big aunty who opened her lunch box at Mambalam and did one full-meals cutting through Pallavaram. She didn’t offer me food (not like I’d have taken it anyway, I’m not really a meenkozhambu fan), which I thought was very rude considering the fact that I was pretty much falling off the ledge of the seat thanks to her extra occupancy. People, I tell you.
There’s nothing much else to report on the life front, other than extreme boredom. So much boredom that my favourite pastime here is to make the Oriya accountant say Bisbanathan (Bijiness on alternate days) as many times as possible and try to not crack up.
Somebody save me.
*- enakku rendu pillainga saar – I have two children, sir