Month: August 2008

Stop! Or my mom will Superpokeā„¢!

A couple of weeks back, Amma casually sat next to me, near the computer. The moment I saw her “casual” (read: I will now spy on my daughter’s apparently shady activities on the internet) look, I switched the browser tab from Facebook to a random photoshop tutorial, a conditioned reflex. But unfortunately, my mother has the eyesight of a rabbit on carrot steroids.
“Facebook a?”
“Yes ma, Facebook”
“I read about it in the newspaper. Why do you always close your facebook when I come nearby?”
Illa ma, I was done with it, so I closed”
Anikki, I heard Devi talking about it, she’s on facebook la?”
The “Devi” in question was one of my mom’s hipper friends from the school’s aunty circuit. She’d watch The OC, could find her way about the internet without having her daughter dictate instructions over the phone (unlike my mother) and the lot. So when the friend request came from her, I was not sure of accepting it, because that way, my not-so “chamathu” friends circle would be exposed. However, I did accept, thank the lord for limited profile access.

“I want that facebook”
“Create one for me, facebook. Adhaan nee onnume pannaliye, edhukku moonju kaatara?”

(Roughly translates to You don’t do anything in it right, whats the face for?) My mother is the Chuck Norris of the household. She can make things happen with just one of her stares. And if she wants to, she can swear in a way that would make a sailor blush. Arguing with her was something I never did. If she asked me to do something I didn’t want to do, I’d say yes and go to another room. But I literally had no room to get myself out of this situation. I could actually picture her facebook profile. Brrr.
“Unwanted ma”
“I know whats unwanted and whats wanted. I am your mother. Go to that website, now.”

There are these times when you desperately hope that there is a God out there, and that he’s actually watching your petty life. This was one such time. I bit my tongue and looked at the ceiling, as if he would break through the walls and stand before me. I opened one of my slower browsers, and instead of God, Mr.Murphy made an appearance and you guessed it, IE popped on thew screen in a flash. Amma gave me a triumphant smile, as if she was born for this.
F, i typed. A-C-E-B-O-O-K and the miracle happened – The phone rang and (hallelujah!) it was for Amma. The moment she stood up, I shut the system down and half sprinted to the kitchen for temporary sanctuary.
That night, when she gave me dinner, she had that look on that face. “One of these days paaru…One of these days” she said.

While I gave her my that-day-can-wait smile, deep down inside, I knew the phone call was no coincidence. God had rescued me because he too, had seen what I saw. Amma’s potential profile.

Jana gana mana

The 15th day of August, 2008.
India awoke 61 years ago at the stroke of midnight this very day.

I awoke at 5 am though, I had a 6 hour Financial Management class (no shit!) to look forward to.
Independence Day has unfortunately been “just another day off” for me all these years. Except for the one time in 9th standard when we bullied and begged people living around my school to donate blood (I will unashamedly say that I even managed to get a hooker to donate. Skill!), I doubt I have done anything worthwhile. It was looked forward to only because it was a mandatory Government Holiday. Sometimes I wish I was more patriotic, in a practical way, like working around in charities and blood donation drives etc, in my spare time instead of trying to break my own record for longest time a person can stare at the ceiling (personal record – 2 hours!) and assessing the differences between blowing bubble gum bubbles and chewing gum bubbles. I haven’t been able to contribute to society as much as I’d like to, clearly.
Today was different though. I learnt what real freedom was.
Yes, freedom. It feels like butterscotch-nut-icecream and big-snuggly-bear-hugs and god-of-war-II-special-attack-moves rolled in one, I kid you not.
I hadn’t charged my phone the previous night and the night before, which meant my battery was beyond low. My morning alarm was the last straw. Apple’s automated owner abuse messages started popping up (Warning! only 10% battery!) but I decided to take it to class anyway. Halfway through class, I realized I didn’t know where it was. Panic! Thankfully, Mom later found it in the backseat of the car and I got this “You don’t deserve a phone” lecture and then she decided not to give it to me. My break was getting over (It was a 45 minute breakfast break and I had rushed home to take a shower. Class can make you get pretty ripe, if you know what I mean) but gave them my “sorry” face anyway. Didn’t work. So I left without my phone.

Class got over at 1 (After much pleading and “Pleeeeease Pattaaaaabhi sirrr”s). And just like that, I was out, in the awesomer part of the city (Nungambakkam!) and I didn’t have my phone, ie –
Amma couldn’t call me to ask me where I was.
Amma couldn’t call me to ask when I was coming back home.
Amma couldn’t call me to ask me to come home ASAP instead of wasting time hanging about.
Amma couldn’t call!!

I was free. Free to do what I wanted. Free to go to my favourite book store. Free to buy stuff. Free to have lunch where ever I wanted. FREE. Free, I tell you. It felt delicious! It was at that moment I realized what Gandhi & Co had sacrificed for. It took my own irresponsibility (tossing my phone about in the car) to absorb the actual magnitude of the feeling of freedom. I think I was frozen, but only for a moment, and I had to break free from my newfound thought flow more so because this was on the middle of the main road and an auto guy was honking really hard and pointing and saying, well, nasty things.
But I made Mr.Honk-honk-honk stop and made him take me home anyway. As I handed out the cash I owed to him, he looked up and asked me –
Yenma, Inikki Sugandhira dhinam dhaane?”
(Today is independance day right?)
“Sun TV-la inikki saaingaalam enna special padam?”
(Whats the special movie on Sun TV today?)

Happy Independance Day.

Not so well balanced.

Me: Amma, Appa, see see! I took this photo! It’s awesome no? I took, I took!

Amma: Oh its a nice picture. I’ll tell you why, its because I was the one who made the coffee and poured it in the tumbler so perfectly. Who else will make such good coffee?

Appa: Don’t listen to your mother, the picture is good only because I got the camera. See, Sony DSC H9 quality. Who got the camera? I did, see, thats why the picture is awesome.


Through the looking glass

It’s been exactly a year since I wrote my Common Proficiency Test. Although it was rescheduled, much to my chagrin, I’d like to think of this as the day I officially jumped into the CA bandwagon, and there has been no looking back since.

So here’s look into the Lessons I’ve learned:

1] The joy you get out of eating in fancy restaurants everyday out of your client’s money is directly proportionate to the expansion of your waistline.

2] No matter how entertaining the fish tank in your client’s office is, you shall concentrate on your work instead of ogling at the very many fish trying to kill each other. Which is highly disturbing, by the way.

3] Bus routes!

4] How to cross the road. Which is a pretty big deal for me considering a year ago, crossing the road for me used to be inappropriately grabbing the shirt/dupatta/pallu of the person next to me and hanging on till I was transported to the other side.

5] If a top level manager of a Public sector bank offers you beans, shut up and take them (irrespective of your personal loathing for the same) instead of declining them. Or be prepared for a 10 minute lecture on the topics:
a)Importance of beans
b)Effects of Junkfood vis-a-vis beans
c)Greatness of beans
d)Younger generation liking pizza and chinese instead of beans
e)Did i mention beans?

6] The best cure for insomnia is your Taxation textbook.

7] A year ago, I would have found this to be a great joke.

Q: What does an accountant use as birth control?
A: His personality

I don’t laugh at it anymore. Cause the truth ain’t funny.

8] Criticism is something complicated. You gotta know how to take it. I take it in from one ear and take it out from the other.

9]The first stipend credit in your bank account is something really special. Not because it’s your sweat toil or any of that stuff. It’s special because now my mother can’t say her favourite ” Ara-anna-kku prayojanam illa nee” (You’re not capable of getting 25 paise) dialogue. Ha!

10] The art of patience. Cause anytime someone asks “Oh, so which college are you doing your CA?”, you need an enormous amount of patience to not strangle that person. In case you’re someone who does ask that question, click here.

I know what you’re thinking and yes, CA has made me most wisdomous.


Although its a little known fact, it so happened that a bunch of Gujjus were living downstairs to Shakespeare’s home. Whenever Shakespeare practised late into the night and disturbed their sleep, they were obviously not happy. Kokilaben in particular, got extremely annoyed at Ol’ Bill. So she went up to his house and told him straight in the face “Ahem.You is the doing too much naaise. Shutting up please”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Gujjus Ahemmed-the-Bard.

This is original. really.

Please dont hit me.